Added: Avram Rhoades - Date: 18.10.2021 14:34 - Views: 26838 - Clicks: 3703
The topic of true love has been debated for centuries. Lisa Firestoneco-author of Sex and Love in Intimate Relationshipsoften says that the best way to think of love is as a verb. Love is dynamic and requires action to thrive. As Dr. In order to connect with and sustain those loving feelings within us, we have to take actions that are loving. Otherwise, we may be living in fantasy. We are in charge of our half of the dynamic.
Therefore, we can choose whether to engage in behaviors that are destructive to intimacy or whether to take actions that express feelings of love, compassion, affection, respect, and kindness. Robert and Lisa Firestone found to be vital to maintaining truly loving. This bond diminishes the feelings of liveliness and attraction between individuals. To maintain closeness, couples should be open with each other, which means being willing to hear feedback from each other without being defensive or discouraging.
That truth can offer an important clue into ways we may be pushing our partner away without realizing it. On the other hand, punishing our partner for being honest and direct with us shuts down communication. A relationship thrives when both people are in touch with a lively, open, and vulnerable side to themselves that welcomes new experiences. To tell the truth is one of the first lessons most of us are taught as. Yet, as adults, there can be a lot of deception in our closest relationships.
When we are dishonest with our partner, we do them, the relationship, and ourselves a great disservice. In order to feel vulnerable with our partner, we must trust them, and this can only be achieved through honesty.
To avoid a fantasy bond, we have to see the other person as separate from us. That means respecting them as a unique, autonomous individual. Often, couples tend to take on roles or play into power dynamics. We may tell each other what to do or how to act. Or we may speak for and about each other in ways that are limiting or defining.
Essentially, we treat them as extensions of ourselves rather than separate human beings. As a result, we actually limit our own attraction to them. Then we are no more attracted to them than we are to our right arm. Physical affection and personal sexuality vs. Affection is a huge part of how we express love. When we cut ourselves off to our feelings of affection, we tend to deaden the relationship. This weakens the spark between ourselves and our partner.
Sexuality can become routine or impersonal, and as a result, both partners feel more distant and less satisfied. Keeping love alive means staying in touch with a part of ourselves that wants physical contact and is willing to give and receive affection. When our partner feels seen and understood, they are much more likely to soften and see our perspective as well. Noncontrolling, nonmanipulative and nonthreatening behaviors vs.
Many couples find themselves wrapped up in dynamics where one acts like a parent and the other like. One looks to the other for guidance then resents that person for telling them what to do. Or one person tries to control the situation, then complains that the other person is irresponsible, immature, or passive. In order for a relationship to be truly loving, it must be equal.
When one person tries to control or manipulate the other, be it by yelling and screaming or stonewalling and playing the victim, neither person is experiencing an adult, equal, and loving relationship. Now that we know the characteristics of real love, how can we take steps in ourselves to create a more loving relationship?
Many of us become caught up in the fairy tale, the superficial elements, or the form of the relationship i. That is because, while most of us think we want love, we often actually take actions to push it away. That is why the first step to being more loving is to get to know and challenge our own defenses.
We may be tolerant of realizing our dreams of falling in love in fantasy, but very often we are intolerant of having that dream fulfilled in reality. Robert Firestone describes how being loved by someone threatens our defenses and reawakens emotional pain and anxiety from childhood. For these reasons, the biggest obstacle to finding and maintaining a loving relationship is often us.
We have to get to know what defenses we bring to the table that ward off love. For example, if we grew up feeling rejected, we may feel anxious about getting too close to another person.
We may not feel we can really trust or rely on a partner, so we either cling to that person or ward him or her off, both which lead to the same result of creating distance. If we felt criticized or resented in our childhood, we may have trouble feeling confident or worthwhile in our relationships. We may seek out partners who put us down in ways that feel familiar, or we may never fully accept our partners loving feelings for us, because they threaten this early self-perception.
Again, both of these extremes can lead to relationships that lack real closeness and intimacy. The good news is we can start to break these destructive relationship patterns by better knowing ourselves and our defenses. Why do we choose the partners we do? Are there ways we distort or provoke our partner to act in ways that fit with our defenses? How do we create distance? What behaviors do we engage in that may feel self-protective but actually push love away. Learn more about the Fear of Intimacy.
Differentiation from the past influences that no longer serve you in the present. Robert Firestone has further developed an approach to challenging old, engrained patterns and defenses, a process he refers to as differentiation. This process involves four steps:. Taking these steps of differentiation allows us to live in a less defended state in which we go after what we really want in life. Learn more about Differentiation. Many answers to why love fades can be found in understanding how and why we form a fantasy bond. The fantasy bond is the ultimate defense against love. To avoid a fantasy bond, we should avoid the characteristics listed above but also take the following actions.
Real true love really existed in the past when the real good old fashioned ladies were around which today it is a very different story altogether unfortunately. Love is not about the submission of a woman to a man, or vice versa.
It is an emotion, and a choice, that affects our lives daily. If what you want is a perfect woman, you will never find it. I suggest strongly that you look within yourself and discover who you really are before you make haughty expectations for others. It states right there in the article that love is a verb. Love, as a noun, is not an emotion per se, but an attraction, acceptance and affection towards someone or something.
Hate is a type of repulsion and rejection. The elements of love require some attraction, agreement at some level and communication. The intensity of love can vary based on the level of attraction, agreement and communication. The more you communicate things both partners find positive and agreeable, beneficial and of interest, the more the relationship will flourish. One way love can exist as in unrequited love but true love requires mutual communication, mutual attraction and shared interests with some commonality in how each view reality.
Love is indeed an emotion because I can feel it. I doubt you have really experienced to be in love. It is a feeling and an action that is from the feeling itself. You can act without a feeling, and that is not true love. Pierce, women back in the old days made love very easy to find compared to today. Now most women have their very high unrealistic expectations and standards. May they grow very old all alone with their Cats. Women in the past had real class compared to the very horrible ones that are everywhere these days. Today feminism is cancer. Well my husband and I did marry as virgins.
I would honestly have to admit now that in our experience to do this was a mistake. It takes the love and respect and chemistry. Getting to feel that both of you. True love actually hurts sometimes when you are away from each other. This is a classic epistle I have read about love and its meaning. A detailed study of the above, one will find out that there are many who think that they are in love why they are not. For instance, a young man whose parents were opposing the lady he wanted to marry.
One thing i knew about love is that those who say they are in love, they must be ready and willing to sacrifice for each other and as well as do things that will make the love to grow. Enjoyed the info. Very informative and eye opening. I still believe that we are capable of loving Someone for a lifetime.
I believe that whatever characteristics and behavior you had when u met, u should consider growing along the same during your lifetime. Yes we change, when we truly love, our moral compass should be pointed in a common direction. Most enlightening thing I learned from this read was to remain an individual. What I know about true is that love that shares good times together but most importantly when it has the power to over come all the misunderstandings between the two of you only that power can lead to everlasting love.
But true love exists just that it is rare. My rational and scientific mind read and agreed with a lot of what was said in this article. However, I am one of those hopeless romantics as stated who yearns for more than what life is currently giving.
I was once told that a relationship should come naturally. Yes you have a few disagreements, but for the most part, it should flow without major issues or effort. Then, there is everyone else saying that relationships take work and nothing comes easy. But how do we know which is true? Are there really relationships out there were the couple have this ultimate connection and never truly have to work too much to keep it flowing? Do we just think that isnt the case because so many have never found that and have just excepted that relationships do truly take a lot of time and effort?
Which is real? That is the question I want to answer. It ebs and flows. At times it will fell effortless and other times it takes effort. Although there are ebbs and flow In a relationshipif a relationship is more effort and work then it is mutually loving and easy going then, I would consider that the partnership might not compatible.
Every relationship comes with its issues, baggage and workbut if the good outweighs the bad then the partnership is worth the effort and keeping. In my experience, love feels easy and joyful most of the time.
We have problems that come up, especially when one or both of us are under stress. And the good far outweighs the bad overall. Love is so uncertain. I married what I though the love of my life.Just looking for someone to satisfy
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